Midlife crisis for women over 35, especially working mothers, may stem from feeling purposeless. There’s enough breathing room for mothers this age to see that their kids need them a little less, they may not feel as motivated like they did in their 20’s to excel at work, and wonder who they are now.
How long does the midlife crisis last for women over 35?
According to Healthline, the term “midlife crisis” was actually coined not that long ago by Elliot Jacques in the 1960s. He was a psychoanalyst who noticed significant changes in his middle aged patients. A midlife crisis usually happens between the ages of 35-55. When and how long it lasts depends on gender and life circumstances.
What is a midlife crisis?
Many men and women start questioning their mortality about halfway into their expected life span. It also goes hand in hand with wanting to add more meaning to life with sometimes impulsive choices. But for working mothers, we have the added stimulus of coming down from the hormonal high of having and raising babies.
How do you know if you’re actually going through a midlife crisis?
The following are some common signs for women going through this phase from the Cleveland Clinic.
- Depression and anxiety
- Unhappiness
- Lack of motivation or desire to put time into certain activities
- Dissatisfaction with career and other life choices
Midlife crisis can be very serious for some, but it can also be an amazing opportunity for midlife women to take the time to consider what would make us happy and what we want to do with our time moving forward.
As a working mother over 35, there are some restrictions you can’t change, such as obligations to your family and work, but if you feel ready to clear the fog, you can still do something about the way you feel.
Here are some ways to make deliberate changes to your life as a working mother over 35.
1. First, recognize that you are going through “something.”
- Maybe it’s a midlife crisis or maybe it’s not, but “something” is definitely happening to shift the way you look at your life and its purpose. Admitting that this isn’t a fleeting feeling and something that has changed in you is the first step to making tangible plans for your future well being.
2. Explore what makes you fulfilled independent of your family and work.
- Find something that is yours and yours only. Sure tidying the house and keeping it clean on a routine basis can feel refreshing, but is it really solely for you? Try finding an activity that is entirely for your fulfillment, whether it’s reading a book or finding a workout routine to complete on your own.
3. Make concrete plans to learn or do things that interest you and make you happy.
- An idea is only an idea until you make it happen. If incorporating 30 minutes a day to go for a run or making time for yourself to try the trending Korean body scrub is what you decide on, make sure to let the family know this is your time to do it. Don’t make excuses and make it realistic so you can stick to it.
4. Know that making time for yourself does NOT make you selfish.
- You need to be happy yourself to be the best version of yourself for others. Mom guilt is definitely real. It comes in so many forms, but needing time for yourself is necessary for us to give this marathon going.
5. Create a routine to make yourself a priority.
- Block time to ensure you can do the activity you want on a consistent basis.
How I knew I was having a midlife crisis at 35 as a working mother.
Perhaps the following story will resonate with some midlife working moms starting to wonder if there is more to life and if they are going through a midlife crisis.
“I worked frantically in college and grad school to become the corporate professional that I am today. Dreamt about hustling hard and getting to the top. I got married at the cusp of my professional beginning and had our first child soon after. Nothing changes your perspective on life like having a child.
I still vividly remember hunching over my desk, extremely nauseous from morning sickness while trying to hide it from coworkers because I wasn’t ready to share. I was also fearful of being passed up for promotions for being pregnant. People shouldn’t ask if you’re pregnant, yes yes we know that, especially at work, but you’re naïve and frankly annoying to think it doesn’t happen. You wear one loose outfit while newly married, that is the first thing they ask VERY openly, even management.
While pregnant I transitioned from form fitting outfits and high heels to stretchy maternity clothes and flats. I had one slip in heels and the fear I felt thinking I may have harmed my baby drove me to packing away my heels instantly.
There are a select few who feel an obligation to work as long as possible. Some do it because they need to get paid until the very end and some do it because they think the company will suffer if they leave too early. If the reason isn’t the former, I highly suggest you take your full 4 weeks off before your due date. It’s take it or leave it. Trust me, I’ve looked into this and argued about this with many people, but trust me, if you don’t take the 4 weeks, it does not and I repeat IT DOES NOT mean they will tack it on to the end of your maternity leave so that you get more time with your baby.
You spend the weeks leading up to the birth feeling the intensity of the reality coming. Your baby at this point is making his/her presence very obvious, kicking and punching you from the inside. You walk around holding up your belly because your skin, feet, knees, and back are aching from the added weight. All those years of trying not to get pregnant in your youth, and bam now here you are feeling uncomfortable but also so thankful you could.
Then you go through labor and no amount of Google searching could have prepared you for labor pains and also what a Godsend an epidural is. Finally, your bundle of joy is here. There is no nursery now like our moms had back then. The recommendation is the baby be with you 24/7 moving forward without you getting any rest. You will breastfeed, change their diaper and be woken up by every tiny sound coming from the clear plastic crib next to you. O by the way, insurance only covers a 24 hour stay after the birth if you had them vaginally so get ready to leave and fend for yourself very soon.
You spend the next 3-4 months on an emotional and physical rollercoaster trying to keep the infant alive while trying to keep your sanity. Your body has never been so openly exposed and your tiredness reaches new levels you didn’t know was possible. You feel such fierce love for your baby, constantly wonder if your husband was always that loud and unhelpful, and your mind races trying to remember how many ounces of milk your baby drank, when was the last diaper change, or if it’s naptime soon.
We are then expected to go back to work like it never happened too. If you’re lucky you’ll have a great mother’s room to continue pumping with management and coworkers who understand this natural need. You will also feel so much guilt sending your baby to daycare, especially those evenings when it’s already dark outside by the time 5 pm hits. You’ll justify it by not being the type of woman who can stay at home all day with the baby, you need adult interaction anyway, you need to make money to provide for the baby and the list goes on. But we all feel the guilt for some reason or another. We always do.
The saying that women can now have it all, I just completely disagree with this. It makes mothers feel like they’re failing when they can’t have it all because we SHOULD be able to.
The reality is, you can TECHNICALLY have it all, BUT you can’t be great at it all at the same time. That is the caveat and the price we pay.
You can excel at work, but it takes away from the kind of mom, wife, and daughter you want to be. You can excel at your personal life, but it takes away from the time you would have spent exceeding expectations at work.
We working mothers have to make a decision.
This is the first time I think things truly pivot.
Does that mom remain a corporate hustling woman or does she pause her career advancement because she’d like to shift her extra energy at home?
Neither is wrong and both should be encouraged for women. I fell into the latter category. All I wanted to do is find ways I could quit my job and stay home. But to be completely frank, I was “lucky” and I made way too much money for that to happen.
So I worked. When promotions came and went to people who schmoozed during lunch outings and after work happy hours, I felt conflicted. It stung because I knew I was qualified and could do a great job, but I also didn’t have time and didn’t want to sacrifice lunch errands and any time after 5 pm for anything but my family.
Then I had my second baby. And man did that really solidify my feelings to quit my job.
It also intensified my guilt and overwhelmed the never ending task list in my head to maintain each child’s life, the home, my friends and family, my husband and everything else under the sun.
Every single day for the past 5 years,
I wake up, get the kids ready for the day, pack their lunches and bribe them into their dad’s car to get to school on time so we can both start work on time. I work all day through meetings and hurriedly pick up my kids when it strikes 5 pm. They come home screaming for snacks while my mom brain only wants them to save their stomachs for a good meal first that I still need to cook. We do homework and eat dinner at a snail’s pace, while we wait for their dad to get home from work. We then shift gears and hustle them into their bedtime routine. More often than not, one of us falls asleep with the kids and the other is left to browse social media alone the rest of the night. And it starts all over again.
My kids are now old enough where they don’t need me every waking moment, still a handful but recently I’ve finally had time to THINK about MY LIFE.
For me, there’s so much I want to learn and try. I’m not looking to get better at my job nor do I want to go deeper and move up. I want to spend the hours while the kids are at school learning new things and actually exploring what life is like now that I’m a grown up. I would even consider taking them out of school from time to time to go experience something amazing and new.
Is it all just work forever? I’m working 40+ hours a week to help make someone else’s dream come true. I’m so apathetic to the company’s mission and when we hit some kind of milestone; could actually care less at this point. I do the job and invest no more of myself than that.
I was working from home one day with the kids during one of their many school days off. Each child was calling for me, asking where something was, whining for a snack, talking to me all at once, getting louder and louder to ensure their voices were heard over the other. I was hearing email and messaging pings from my computer in the other room. Instead of screaming at the kids to be quiet or rushing to my computer, I just kind of zoned out and thought there has to be more than this..
And the first time this single fluid thought floated into my head was when I knew I was going through something more than a rut. Things had been building up inside me prior to this moment, but I dismissed it as this or that. I changed jobs, but I still felt unhappy and hated it. My home got messier because I thought the stress of trying to keep it clean was making things worse. I tried being less rigid with schedules around the kids because I wanted to stop yelling at them. Everything just felt more and more chaotic in my head and I would drown things out by watching way too much tv or TikTok late into the night.
But nothing changed the fact that I felt like I was going to explode from this anxious humming inside me.
So I researched and researched ways I can break out of this feeling. Ultimately, I knew in my heart I wanted to be a stay at home mom and create a passion of my own. I didn’t want to send the kids to aftercare until I got off work. I wanted to spend time with them after school. Do homework, go to the library, take them to extracurricular activities at 3 pm not 6 pm after work.
Even if we raged, screamed, and fought because they don’t listen or they think I’m annoying. I wanted to do those things because they are so important to me and they are growing so quickly. I also secretly hoped this meant I could do bedtime earlier with them and FINALLY have some consistent time alone with my husband in the evenings.
But to do those things meant our household income had to take a hit. And I felt so STUCK and SAD.
So how do we survive this midlife crisis as middle aged women?
You have to sincerely assess and shift your priorities. Ask yourself some objective questions.
Do you want to excel at work?
Is there a certain age you want to retire by?
What changes can you make to pursue and find your passions?
Can you carve out routine time so you can do a few things you love?
Would it be possible to pay someone to take things off your plate that you hate doing?
Is it time to consider changing your job? Read more on why I changed my job.
Have you assessed your family finances for a chance to explore a different lifestyle?
What does your husband want for the family?
These are all hard questions and the answers don’t come easily. It’s a strange and sensitive time for women who’ve moved so fast and strongly the past few years in a direction that we were so certain of.
Take some serious time to consider how you want to spend this new phase of life. We can’t all get up and quit our jobs, but we do need to make the most of this life.
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